My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick