Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
You Might Also Like
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Mouse
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down