Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
congratulations to them
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!