It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”