Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.