*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.