kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
handsome & gretel
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.