Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.