Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee