I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
😅🤣😂
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.