If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
You Might Also Like
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.