Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
🥶🥶🐶🐶
dutch is not a serious language
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt