Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…