The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe