After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
You Might Also Like
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
and now we wait
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.