When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
i hate you platonically
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?