When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
You Might Also Like
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.