“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Check your privilege
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship