Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.