in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
an airline just for babies.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Going into Monday like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.