My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
this has to be peak English
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.