My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”