[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
You Might Also Like
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Love is in the air fryer.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*