Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?