That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Oh. My. God.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.