I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets