netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
my favorite genre of twitter
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
But that’s none of my business
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.