Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Breaking news:
True freaking story!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Is fake venison called venisn’t