If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?