I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Bootstraps
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.