“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?