A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Sharon I have some bad news
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.