Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh