Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.