I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
You Might Also Like
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.