Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I ate everything, including the H.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I need better friends
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.