One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.