#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]