I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
dam girl
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.