Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.