Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.