“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert