Two types of dogs.
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car