a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
That’s it.I’m out.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.