the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?