using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My inexpensive home security system…
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it