Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder