My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
You saw nothing. I am ham.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I like crazy people until they notice me
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.