ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.