At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat